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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22594588">No Matter What I Do, They Try to Keep Me in Chains</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/CarlsRightEye21/pseuds/CarlsRightEye21'>CarlsRightEye21</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Umbrella Academy (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alec Benjamin, Child Abuse, Hurt No Comfort, Loneliness, Reginald Hargreeves' A+ Parenting, Sad, Songfic, Suicidal Thoughts, Vanya Hargreeves Needs A Hug, Vanya Hargreeves-centric, Violins</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 14:13:57</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,753</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22594588</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/CarlsRightEye21/pseuds/CarlsRightEye21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The only thing that Vanya had ever wanted was to be free. To experience everything that the world had to offer and not have to look back on the things she left behind.<br/>But that thing proved difficult for Vanya to achieve.<br/>Vanya was a prisoner to her own home, her father, and her mind.<br/>And she keeps trying to get free. No matter what.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>124</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>No Matter What I Do, They Try to Keep Me in Chains</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>The song is Mind is a Prison by Alec Benjamin.<br/>Lyrics in bold</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Vanya had taken pills that her father had given to her ever since she was a child. The little white pills made her feel numb, pushing away all emotion and letting Vanya move through life without ever experiencing it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Her siblings never understood. They lived life but Vanya just watched. She was unextraordinary-- Normal. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>An outcast in her own home.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>A stranger in her own body. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>I don't live in California, I'll inform you, that's not where I reside</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>I'm just a tenant, paying rent inside this body and I</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Got two windows and those windows, well I'll call them my eyes</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>I'm just going where the wind blows, I don't get to decide</b>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Playing the violin is the only time that Vanya felt anything other than numb. The sweet melody of melancholy notes pushed the numb away. Vayna wasn’t sure what the feeling was but she relished it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Vanya was a shadow in her sibling’s lives but the violin was one thing that she could do that her siblings couldn’t. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>At times, the violin was the only thing that kept her sane. So she learned to go with the flow and accept it as long as she had her violin.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She poured everything she had into the tiny brown instrument, practicing until her fingers bled and the notes on the page blurred together.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She made the violin her purpose.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Sometimes I think too much, yeah, I get so caught up</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>I'm always stuck in my head</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>I wish I could escape, I tried to yesterday</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Took all the sheets off my bed</b>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Vanya did try to run away once, tired of living in her sibling’s shadows. She wanted to experience something other than the overwhelming feeling of nothingness. She wanted to find a purpose. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She was tired of being left alone with no one but herself. She grew to hate it. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She wanted to experience the world that she was forbidden to enter. She wanted to see the shops and restaurants and cars and busy people on the streets. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She was a child at the time and honestly she hadn’t expected to get as far as she did.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>When it was night, Vanya dressed in her uniform and pulled the bed sheets off of her bed, tying them together before looping one end over the knob on the end of the bed and uncoiling the rest of it over the window. She slid down and ran out of the gates and towards where she knew the town was.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Then I tied up my linen with five strips of ribbon I found</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Scaled the side of the building</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>I ran to the hills 'til they found me</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>And they put me back in my cell</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>All by myself, alone with my thoughts again</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>I guess my mind is a prison and I'm never gonna get out</b>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Of course, Reginald found out quite quickly that Vanya ran and caught up to her. There was nobody in the dark and empty streets so under the street lamps, he backhanded her and grabbed her shoulders, shaking her violently. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Do you know what you could have done?” He demanded, shaking so hard that Vanya’s teeth rattled and her head throbbed. “There is a reason I tell you to stay put, Number Seven! It’s dangerous for you to go out!” </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>His rings on his finger scratched her cheek and split her lip. Blood trickled down and Vanya licks it away before it can stain her uniform and make Reginald more angry. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He hauled her over his shoulder as she screamed and squirmed and pleaded with her father to just let her go. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Reginald restrains her in the car until Vanya is tired from fighting. She slumped against the window, watching the world she couldn’t be a part of fly by her eyes. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She hadn’t seen the world as dangerous. She thought it was wonderful. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Being free for the first time in her life was exhilarating. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>So they tranquilized me, analyzed me, threw me back in my cage</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Then they tied me to an IV, told me I was insane</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>I'm a prisoner, a visitor inside of my brain</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>And no matter what I do, they try to keep me in chains</b>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Reginald dragged her back to the academy and locked her up, taking away her only solace. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Vanya watched as Reginald tucked her violin case under his arm before he closed the door and the only thing she could hear was the lock turning as Reginald locked her in. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The feeling of being free and getting to experience the outside world was sucked away and Vanya was left once again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She fought with her mind that tried to tell her Reginald didn’t mean it. That he would unlock the door soon. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>No. Reginald was a right bastard and Vanya was lucky that a split lip was all she got from sneaking out. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>If only she was like her siblings who snuck out to Griddy’s all the time and never got caught. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Sometimes I think to much, yeah, I get so caught up</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>I'm always stuck in my head</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>I wish I could escape, I tried to yesterday</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Took all the sheets off my bed</b>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Vanya became a prisoner of her own mind. She just went through the movements of life. She fought with herself, talked with herself, tried to comfort herself. She was lonely, desperately wishing for her siblings company, even if they did tease her until she cried. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She was tired of being alone. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Being alone hurt. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The only other feeling than the nothingness that Vanya felt. She grew to hate herself. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>If only she wasn’t normal. If she was useful to her father. If she had powers like her siblings then they would want to play with her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But she was unextrodinary, stupid, worthless ol’ Vanya. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Nothing she did was ever good enough. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She wasn’t worth being acknowledged. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Then I tied up my linen with five strips of ribbon I found</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Scaled the side of the building</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>I ran to the hills 'til they found me</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>And they put me back in my cell</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>All by myself, alone with my thoughts again</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>I guess my mind is a prison and I'm never gonna get out</b>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Vanya tried once more to escape but Pogo caught her before she could. He lectured her but was much gentler than her father would have been. Pogo didn’t even strike her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Pogo told her she was important. That she shouldn’t leave her family because they would miss her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Vanya almost laughed. She kept it in, trying to be polite to Pogo. She nods along to his lecture and makes a meaningless promise to not run again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But she would keep trying. One way or another, she was going to be free, mark her words. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Said even if it's true, no matter what I do</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>I'm never gonna escape</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>I won't give up on hope, secure another rope</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>And try for another day</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Said even if it's true, no matter what I do</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>I'm never gonna escape</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>I won't give up on hope, secure another rope</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>And try for another day</b>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Five left when Vanya was thirteen. He was her one other solace other than her violin. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She begged him not to go. Pleaded with him to stay with her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But Five was stubborn. He wanted to prove their father wrong. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So Five left and he didn’t come back. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He left Vanya. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Then Ben died when Vanya was fourteen and the family fell apart. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Reginald grew frustrated easily and started smacking Vanya whenever she didn’t do what he wanted down to every last detail. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>She missed a few notes on her violin piece and Reginald lashed out his cane and struck her calves. She fell and dropped her violin from the pain and he hit her again. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Klaus saw the bruises on her calves when she reached up to grab a bowl in the kitchen and her position flashed the scarlet marks on the back of her legs. He asked her about it and Vanya lied. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>They hadn’t cared before. They wouldn’t even do anything. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Diego branded her a liar and her siblings pushed her away even more. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Vanya felt worthless. Her life wasn’t even meaningful. She wasn’t useful to anybody. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Vanya did think about taking her own life. She clambered onto the roof at night and stared at the ground, thinking of if the impact would kill her. Thinking if Luther would find her body on his morning run. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Would they miss her? Would they even realize she’s gone? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>If she killed herself would it hurt? Would she finally be free? </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Would she get to experience the freedom that she had so desperately craved for her whole life?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But that night, Klaus creeps into her room and slides under her covers. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I had a nightmare,” He explained, tears streaking down his face. “Please, can I sleep with you?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Vanya nods. She could never say no when her siblings needed her. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was a nice feeling, to feel needed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Klaus falls asleep easily and Vanya stays awake to watch over him. Whenever he would frown or scrunch his face up in his sleep, Vanya would stroke his hair and hum one of her concertos. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Diego left when he turned sixteen. Allison left to start her career as an actor at seventeen. At eighteen, Klaus left too. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>So Vanya left and got a job and rented an apartment. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>This silence was a new kind of silence. It didn’t seep into her bones and weigh her down. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Vanya enjoyed her newfound freedom for ten years. She rarely saw her siblings face to face. They never reached out to her so she didn’t in return. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>But after those ten years, at twenty-eight years of age, Reginald died and Vanya was called back to the academy. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Her prison. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And the numb feeling comes back as Vanya stands in all black in a row of her siblings, umbrellas hovering over their head to keep them dry from the rain. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Vanya may be surrounded by family but she is alone with no one but herself. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And it will stay that way. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Then I tied up my linen with five strips of ribbon I found </b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>Scaled the side of the building</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>I ran to the hills 'til they found me</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>And they put me back in my cell</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>All by myself, alone with my thoughts again</b>
</p>
<p>
  <b>I guess my mind is a prison and I'm never gonna get out</b>
</p>
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